[The bathroom feels much, much smaller than it did last night. Newt locks the door behind them, but hesitantly.
He doesn't want to be here. He's not sure where he wants to be instead, but not here. He just... He can't deal with this, not right now.
But it's not like killing a man comes with breaks, even after the fact. This is an act he and Hermann will have to keep up for the rest of the game.]
So, uh... Guess we pulled it off. [He doesn't sound thrilled about this, exactly. A lot of emotions are bubbling up at once and he's wavering between too many of them to really know what he's feeling.]
[Hermann goes immediately to the sink and turns on the cold tap, then shoves his head under there for a minute. When he finally comes up for air, he wipes his face with his good hand and looks over.]
I... suppose we did. Barely.
[There's... god there's so much in the room between them now. They took a life, and it might not have been a life worth taking, but they did it for a good reason, and then there's the... the whole kissing thing, and the many, many risks they took to protect themselves today. Hermann feels like he's floating, but not in a good way.]
[He was fine. Mostly, anyway. He was stomaching this, finding a way to bury it to keep moving forward. They were talking like things were almost normal--for all of three seconds, maybe, but that was better than Newt ever expected.
And then Hermann had to go and say... That. For the briefest moment, there's a flicker in his chest, a pang like he'd feel whenever he received another letter.]
Don't. [His cheeks are hot. He holds up a finger, pointing at Hermann.] Just don't, okay? I-- [He sucks in a shaky breath.]
Maybe it saved our asses, but you had no right. At least I had the respect for you to manufacture my story.
Keep... Keep up appearances? [Newt drops his hand, a flash of white briefly enveloping his vision.
Half-truth.]
Don't patronize me like this is some--I started it to save us, you jackass! What the hell was I supposed to do!? We were out of options!
[He's erupted into full-blown yelling now. The locked door isn't going to prevent anyone from overhearing this, and he doesn't care. He's shaking. Half-truth.]
In the heat of the moment is one thing, but you went and fessed up to Undine for no reason! She'd already bought the story! You just offered up sh--
[Hermann is whisper-yelling, flailing his good hand at Newt.]
I was making an ally, and I was selling the story to anyone else listening in. So yes, I included some details that weren't strictly necessary. What does it even matter? We're all dead here, Newt. None of them care! And we're probably not even-
[He cuts himself off abruptly. That. Is not a road he wants to go down right now.]
[If Hermann had a ripcoin for every time Newt has rolled his eyes at him during this game, he would be able to buy his way back to life. And, huzzah, here's another!]
Like hell it's not. Excuse me if I don't trust you judgment as to what's important or not at the moment.
[But he can... tell this isn't going away now. God, why did he have to slip up? Nearly ten hours of flawless(?) cover story and then???]
Fine. You want to know? I don't think we're going to be chosen by the Composer. I think that by choosing to kill to achieve our goals we've disqualified ourselves entirely.
[He... doesn't sound as upset about that as he should, maybe.]
[It... sure seems like left field from the outside, doesn't it?]
As a request from another player. And it was given with no instructions. Furthermore, Setz said we were being judged by our actions here, and the coin game [he can't say Reaper Creeper it's too dumb even now] said we were not in a place where most of us would be saved. Mutsu had his premonition about a bad direction. It all means something, Newt.
[Two is a coincidence three is a blah blah blah.]
What if murdering our way through the game isn't the right answer? What if Jacopo wasn't the right answer? We did what we had to in order to get the message out, but- Don't you get it? What we do here might not matter anymore.
[Yeah that's. That was more than he ever intended to spill on that particular subject. But he's exhausted and rambling. He's done keeping secrets right now.]
[...Hm. Okay, fine, Newt is considering this. The first part, anyway.
The second part, well. Newt was already having his own doubts about Jacopo, about what they've done. About the message.]
Gonna stop you right there, Hermann. You can't seriously believe our run is just done because we maybe, maybe made one mistake? I asked Max before we pulled the trigger on Jacopo. He said all Reapers pose a threat to Players. I checked! I didn't send us off to kill someone on a blind assumption! We've played the game according to the rules given to us, and we've gotten creative to boot. The Composer wants a good show, right? We've given them that!
[He's mostly trying to convince himself at this point.]
Even if we're not slated to be among the golden children, Setz asked specifically about saving everyone. We're still barely halfway through the game, Hermann! We have time to unlock that magical perfect ending!
[He scoffs. He's really going off on a tangent here, but he wants to firmly nip all of this in the bud.]
And, you know what? Even if we've permanently screwed ourselves, the end is nigh, we're living out our final days, blah blah... I'm not about to fucking waste that, you moron. That's still time we didn't have back home. There's plenty that still matters!
It was a fairly large mistake if it was one, don't you think? We have no idea what the Composer wants. We don't know their motivations whatsoever. Setz seems to think that understanding that is the key to saving all of us, but if we end the game by killing all the Reapers, there isn't much of a chance for that, is there?
[Bud nipping ineffective.]
We might be only halfway through but- [He stops short. Frowns. Looks like he's trying to think of something.]
If... if three people at minimum die each week. And there are... Just a little over twenty of us left... [His frown deepens, as does the furrow between his eyebrows.]
I don't know if we can keep the game running long enough.
[But enough about that.]
What matters about this, Newt? Making nice with people who are going to disappear forever? Buying new clothes? Wandering aimlessly in a city we can't even touch? Yes, it's extra time. But it's- It's empty.
He slams a fist against the counter, his willpower to not hit things buckling under the enormity of the bullshit Hermann has just laid out for him.]
Empty? You--you think our friends here don't matter because we're relying on borrowed time? Is that it? People die, Hermann! All the time!
[He's screaming again, but his voice has a bite to it that's reserved for when he's really angry. This isn't his normal yelling for the sake of being louder than the other person. He closes the few steps of distance between them to shove Hermann roughly. Not with his full strength--that wouldn't be fair--but, christ, he can't believe this.]
The only difference now is that we have a few weeks instead of an entire lifetime! Which never did us any favors, by the way! We were just--just... PPDC hid us in the basement and mined us for info, but do you think anyone actually liked us, Hermann? If we don't make it back, do you think anyone will care that we're dead? Forget what we know about the Breach! If we learned nothing in that Drift and made it back alive, would anyone be happy to see us? No! We don't matter beyond what our minds are worth! We're a resource, and nothing else!
[Hermann stumbles back, honestly taken by surprise. Usually he's the one who gets physical first. He's quiet for a second, and then... he's still quiet.
That... hurt. In a way he wasn't expecting. And not the shove.]
Of course we were. Of course they did. Do you think I'm stupid? No one likes us. The Marshall tolerates us, but that's about it. We were clearly his last choice, but we were the only ones who stayed of our own volition. But that- It wasn't the point. I didn't join the Defense Corps to be liked. I didn't join to make friends.
[He's a little louder now if that makes you feel better.]
Yes, the people we've met here matter. But only so we can watch them die, knowing we might've been the cause of it. What if we failed them all? We might've saved our world, but we might've damned all of theirs. I'm willing to accept that consequence, I knew that going in, but-
[Aaaand quiet again.]
A few weeks doesn't exactly make up for a lifetime, anyway.
[There's a lot to unpack in everything Hermann's just said. A lot Newt is immediately drawn to and would probably argue against at length if he were in a better position to do so.
But he's tired, and it's like Hermann is actively trying to destroy him with this bullshit. He hones in.]
So, what, you're giving up? Nothing matters because we might have flubbed it, might only have a few weeks left? There's no point in trying or caring or... You'd be happy just ending everything right here? This [he gestures vaguely] is the resolution to your entire life, and you're settling for because, screw it, we're basically out of time anyway?
[Except he sort of did, oops. He's just realizing that Newt is... kind of right. Very right. And he hates it.]
I'm just- [He looks down and reaches up to wipe his hand across his face.] I'm tired. We've had a long week. I don't- We need to rethink everything. Start over, essentially.
You did say that, actually, but fine. Whatever. I guess we're done here.
[He glowers at Hermann for another moment, hoping this doesn't have to be the end of the conversation but knowing there's no moving forward tonight regardless. Then he turns to leave. He slams the bathroom door behind him.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
i'm so mad at you i opened this thinking you were going to give me a serious starter
anyway i'm leaving this but real tag incoming.]
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He doesn't want to be here. He's not sure where he wants to be instead, but not here. He just... He can't deal with this, not right now.
But it's not like killing a man comes with breaks, even after the fact. This is an act he and Hermann will have to keep up for the rest of the game.]
So, uh... Guess we pulled it off. [He doesn't sound thrilled about this, exactly. A lot of emotions are bubbling up at once and he's wavering between too many of them to really know what he's feeling.]
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I... suppose we did. Barely.
[There's... god there's so much in the room between them now. They took a life, and it might not have been a life worth taking, but they did it for a good reason, and then there's the... the whole kissing thing, and the many, many risks they took to protect themselves today. Hermann feels like he's floating, but not in a good way.]
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The silence is terrible, but he doesn't exactly know what to say. Where to start. He blows out a breath and... Just starts talking.]
That, uh... Your bluff was impressive back there. I gotta say, I was worried. You're not exactly the "think on your feet" type.
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To be honest I... wasn't convinced it would work. But if I didn't try something, I knew we would fail. And I couldn't let that happen.
[He looks over again, with a slight smile that doesn't reach his eyes.]
Desperate times, I suppose. I'm just as smart as you are, Newton.
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And then Hermann had to go and say... That. For the briefest moment, there's a flicker in his chest, a pang like he'd feel whenever he received another letter.]
Don't. [His cheeks are hot. He holds up a finger, pointing at Hermann.] Just don't, okay? I-- [He sucks in a shaky breath.]
Maybe it saved our asses, but you had no right. At least I had the respect for you to manufacture my story.
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It's easier to lie when you're telling a half-truth. [He turns back to the mirror.]
Relax, Newton, I'm not going to make a thing out of this. We may have to keep up appearances, but just remember, you're the one who started it.
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Half-truth.]
Don't patronize me like this is some--I started it to save us, you jackass! What the hell was I supposed to do!? We were out of options!
[He's erupted into full-blown yelling now. The locked door isn't going to prevent anyone from overhearing this, and he doesn't care. He's shaking. Half-truth.]
In the heat of the moment is one thing, but you went and fessed up to Undine for no reason! She'd already bought the story! You just offered up sh--
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[Hermann is whisper-yelling, flailing his good hand at Newt.]
I was making an ally, and I was selling the story to anyone else listening in. So yes, I included some details that weren't strictly necessary. What does it even matter? We're all dead here, Newt. None of them care! And we're probably not even-
[He cuts himself off abruptly. That. Is not a road he wants to go down right now.]
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Not even what, Hermann?
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[Spoiler alert it's very important.]
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Like hell it's not. Excuse me if I don't trust you judgment as to what's important or not at the moment.
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[But he can... tell this isn't going away now. God, why did he have to slip up? Nearly ten hours of flawless(?) cover story and then???]
Fine. You want to know? I don't think we're going to be chosen by the Composer. I think that by choosing to kill to achieve our goals we've disqualified ourselves entirely.
[He... doesn't sound as upset about that as he should, maybe.]
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What? Why? The Composer basically handed us Jacopo's identity, dude.
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As a request from another player. And it was given with no instructions. Furthermore, Setz said we were being judged by our actions here, and the coin game [he can't say Reaper Creeper it's too dumb even now] said we were not in a place where most of us would be saved. Mutsu had his premonition about a bad direction. It all means something, Newt.
[Two is a coincidence three is a blah blah blah.]
What if murdering our way through the game isn't the right answer? What if Jacopo wasn't the right answer? We did what we had to in order to get the message out, but- Don't you get it? What we do here might not matter anymore.
[Yeah that's. That was more than he ever intended to spill on that particular subject. But he's exhausted and rambling. He's done keeping secrets right now.]
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The second part, well. Newt was already having his own doubts about Jacopo, about what they've done. About the message.]
Gonna stop you right there, Hermann. You can't seriously believe our run is just done because we maybe, maybe made one mistake? I asked Max before we pulled the trigger on Jacopo. He said all Reapers pose a threat to Players. I checked! I didn't send us off to kill someone on a blind assumption! We've played the game according to the rules given to us, and we've gotten creative to boot. The Composer wants a good show, right? We've given them that!
[He's mostly trying to convince himself at this point.]
Even if we're not slated to be among the golden children, Setz asked specifically about saving everyone. We're still barely halfway through the game, Hermann! We have time to unlock that magical perfect ending!
[He scoffs. He's really going off on a tangent here, but he wants to firmly nip all of this in the bud.]
And, you know what? Even if we've permanently screwed ourselves, the end is nigh, we're living out our final days, blah blah... I'm not about to fucking waste that, you moron. That's still time we didn't have back home. There's plenty that still matters!
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[Bud nipping ineffective.]
We might be only halfway through but- [He stops short. Frowns. Looks like he's trying to think of something.]
If... if three people at minimum die each week. And there are... Just a little over twenty of us left... [His frown deepens, as does the furrow between his eyebrows.]
I don't know if we can keep the game running long enough.
[But enough about that.]
What matters about this, Newt? Making nice with people who are going to disappear forever? Buying new clothes? Wandering aimlessly in a city we can't even touch? Yes, it's extra time. But it's- It's empty.
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He slams a fist against the counter, his willpower to not hit things buckling under the enormity of the bullshit Hermann has just laid out for him.]
Empty? You--you think our friends here don't matter because we're relying on borrowed time? Is that it? People die, Hermann! All the time!
[He's screaming again, but his voice has a bite to it that's reserved for when he's really angry. This isn't his normal yelling for the sake of being louder than the other person. He closes the few steps of distance between them to shove Hermann roughly. Not with his full strength--that wouldn't be fair--but, christ, he can't believe this.]
The only difference now is that we have a few weeks instead of an entire lifetime! Which never did us any favors, by the way! We were just--just... PPDC hid us in the basement and mined us for info, but do you think anyone actually liked us, Hermann? If we don't make it back, do you think anyone will care that we're dead? Forget what we know about the Breach! If we learned nothing in that Drift and made it back alive, would anyone be happy to see us? No! We don't matter beyond what our minds are worth! We're a resource, and nothing else!
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That... hurt. In a way he wasn't expecting. And not the shove.]
Of course we were. Of course they did. Do you think I'm stupid? No one likes us. The Marshall tolerates us, but that's about it. We were clearly his last choice, but we were the only ones who stayed of our own volition. But that- It wasn't the point. I didn't join the Defense Corps to be liked. I didn't join to make friends.
[He's a little louder now if that makes you feel better.]
Yes, the people we've met here matter. But only so we can watch them die, knowing we might've been the cause of it. What if we failed them all? We might've saved our world, but we might've damned all of theirs. I'm willing to accept that consequence, I knew that going in, but-
[Aaaand quiet again.]
A few weeks doesn't exactly make up for a lifetime, anyway.
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But he's tired, and it's like Hermann is actively trying to destroy him with this bullshit. He hones in.]
So, what, you're giving up? Nothing matters because we might have flubbed it, might only have a few weeks left? There's no point in trying or caring or... You'd be happy just ending everything right here? This [he gestures vaguely] is the resolution to your entire life, and you're settling for because, screw it, we're basically out of time anyway?
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[Except he sort of did, oops. He's just realizing that Newt is... kind of right. Very right. And he hates it.]
I'm just- [He looks down and reaches up to wipe his hand across his face.] I'm tired. We've had a long week. I don't- We need to rethink everything. Start over, essentially.
[He looks up.]
And I'm not giving up.
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You did say that, actually, but fine. Whatever. I guess we're done here.
[He glowers at Hermann for another moment, hoping this doesn't have to be the end of the conversation but knowing there's no moving forward tonight regardless. Then he turns to leave. He slams the bathroom door behind him.]